Different Rhythm

I'm experiencing quite a different kind of relationship with the Father right now.  It seems I have less outside distractions, but more internal ones.  My emotions have been on a teeter-totter the last month. I've experienced many different kind of losses.  I've heard from the Father, but not in the same ways as before.  I'm in a place where I'm needing to sit on His lap and be held and comforted and loved in a different way than ever before.

I'm having the opportunity to spend much more time with Him than I ever have because of how my schedule works right now.  I'm journaling more than ever, "pouring my complaint out" before Him as it says in Psalms, and, in the midst of it all, it seems I'm not hearing as clearly as before.  So, that appears to be the bad part.  However, because of my emotions responding to the grief, confusion, and heartache, I'm walking one step at a time into my days without thinking of the next move.

I'm praying that God leads me because my heart is too crippled right now to pay close attention.  I ask that He lets me be a blessing to those I come in contact with and to give me wisdom to handle what comes my way.  So, I guess you can say I'm feeling rather robot-like these days.  As in anything, "this too shall pass"....but it's the "when" that is the bugger.  So, in the midst of all this emotional upheaval in life right now, I'm actually walking more by faith than before.  Every step is taken blindly in total surrender, or should I say, total meltdown in His arms.  He knows I don't have the strength on my own to motivate to even plan what to do next.  So, I go to my responsibilities as a robot, asking for His guidance and His love to pour from me....and, somehow, in spite of me, it happens.  God is so amazing.

My love for Him grows deeper in this sadness.  It's not upheaval.  It's not chaos.  It's not busyness. It's sadness that I'm in the midst of right now.  He's with me in this sadness in a much deeper way.  He is more of Everything to me now.  So, although, I feel like I'm just out of normal rhythm with Him, I'm actually functioning more in rhythm.  It's just a different rhythm.  I sit back and see the results of all my encounters and think, how am I functioning?  I truly stand in AWE of Him this day....and everyday as I walk in and out of typical rhythm.  I'm pretty sure I'm His JAZZY RHYTHM girl these days.  God is good....all the time.